Which One are
You?
Intense
guy
Most likely to be found: doing free weights.
You can spot this guy easily from the madness shining from his eyes. His
veins are bulging and there's a good chance he's on steroids. He often
sports a strange moustache. He lifts insane amounts and every time he
does he roars or yells. Often wears army camouflage. Try to stay out of
his way.
 Starer
Most likely to be found: on the chest press... just sitting there...
staring... directly at you.
No one knows why they do it, but as you look around to catch a glimpse
of yourself in the mirror you see the starer looking directly at you.
You can't figure out if they're mad at you, turned on by you, or if
they're just staring into space and you got in the way. Break off eye
contact immediately.
Skinny girls
Most likely to be found: on the running machines.
These girls normally come in packs of two or three. They're as thin as
is humanly possible and definitely don't need to be doing the amount of
CV that they are. No-one's sure why they're here. The answer is partly
to enhance their image, partly because they enjoy the stares, partly
social pressure and partly dysmorphia. Their tight, tight Lycra shorts
are a source of distraction though generally there's not much of a bum
left to look at anyway.
 Fatties
Most likely to be found: sat down curling 2kg in each hand and staring
forward blankly.
They sit there being all gigantic, barely doing anything and sweating
profusely. The only danger here is the temptation to approach them and
say 'really, what's the point?'
Dynamic Duo
Most likely to be found: spotting one another.
Two gym buddies who work together and move round the gym oblivious to
their surroundings. They give off a fun energy and keep mainly to
themselves. The only slight annoyance is that any area they use will be
inaccessible until they have both finished.
Machines
Most like to be found: doing squats
The machines are the hardcore regulars of the gym who generate an aura
of respect. They normally have a single minded determination and can
lift roughly a million times the amount of a normal human. They are
generally friendly characters who enjoy a bit of gym camaraderie.
However they do not take kindly to their session being interrupted. They
are there when you arrive and will be there when you leave. It is
unknown whether they have a home at all, or whether they in fact live at
the gym. If more than one machine meet they will usually begin to work
together. Sometimes several will congregate around one machine. Often
this makes an area of the gym inaccessible or intimidating for the timid
gym goer who feels they are not welcome. Don't be afraid to approach,
you may even learn something.
Skinny kid
 Most
likely to be seen: on the bench press, pressing 5kg.
Skinny kid comes to the gym for one of two reasons: a) he is trying to
get a six pack for the girls or b) he is trying to get 'buff' so kids
will stop stealing his lunch money. Unfortunately he doesn't realize
that a) he won't pull because he is a gimp and b) he gets bullied
because he is a gimp. You see the skinny kid has a fundamental
misunderstanding of how the gym works and will likely only last for a
week or two before he leaves again, disheartened at his lack of six
pack. This is because he is a gimp.
Overly friendly guy
 Most
likely to be found: talking to you.
He smiles at you so you ask him if he wants to share the machine with
you. This was a mistake. Overly friendly guy will always accept such an
offer, even if he wasn't waiting for the machine. He will then strike up
a friendly conversation that will be fun for a while but before you know
it an hour will have passed and you will have lost ALL YOUR PUMP. Watch
out, many personal trainers are actually overly friendly guy in
disguise. Do not under any circumstances strike up a conversation with
overly friendly guy until the end of your session.
Lurker
Most likely to be found: following you and sighing loudly.
Whatever machine you're on lurker will be waiting and looking at you
disapprovingly. If you rest for what he deems to long he will then lean
over and ask 'are you using this?'. It is blatantly obvious that if you
are sitting on a bench in the gym you are using it; otherwise you would
be sitting on the sofa at home. Chances are if he'd just asked to have a
quick go you'd have let him cut in, but his obnoxious tutting and
condescending manner make you want to punch him. If you do let him use
the machine/bench/weight he will then do one set of 30 and walk off to
do bother someone else. He has no idea how to train properly and thinks
everyone else is doing it wrong. He is in short, a wanker.
 Veterans
Most likely to be found: doing deadlifts.
They look about 80 and you wonder what they're doing here but don't
underestimate these guys. They can often compete with machines for raw
strength. They are actually powerlifters - a sport that you can still
perform in through old age. They were the machines of your gym once and
they have seen it go through great change. Treat them with respect.
Sports teams
Most likely to be found: all over the fucking place
If a sport team come into your gym you may as well write off your
session. Ranging in number from 4 to 10, rugby teams and rowing teams
are the most likely candidates. Upon arrival they will spread out and
fill the entire gym. Their coach will bark orders at them and believes
it is their divine right to have sole access to every machine during
their stay. They often workout using circuit training and so no part of
the gym is safe. They are the scourge of the gym and only machines have
the power to stop them.
 The
flirt
Most likely to be found: chatting up the personal trainer.
These girls aren't here to workout at all. Instead they will hog the
personal trainer who will likely be more than willing to help. While he
shows her how to do the most basic of exercises she will then flutter
her eyelids at him madly capturing him in a hypnotic trance which he
will not be able to break out of until she leaves. Failing this she will
approach the largest figure in the gym and sprawl herself on a nearby
machine asking for help. Her spiel will ensure he then devotes his time
to helping her in the gym thus ruining his own session and getting
nothing in return.
Her hypnotic powers are useless against machines however, which is her
greatest cause of frustration.
She is a threat to the middle range gym-goer and annoyance to all
others. Which is nothing to do with jealousy... honest.
Scary strong lady
Most likely to be found: doing starjumps.
She seems to be a product of the eighties wearing garish pink and doing
boxercise moves to the music in her mp3 player. She's about 40 but has
abs and buns of steel and could crush you with one hand. Again, avoid
eye contact. If she meets intense guy they will fall instantly in love.
Karate bloke
Most likely to be found: on the mats
Similar to the intense guy, but also prone to extended periods of
stretching and possibly meditation. Possibly wears his kit to the gym.
Wants you to know he's a black belt.
Lone Wolf
Most likely to be found: moving steadily and silently around the gym
Lone wolves keep themselves to themselves. They are here to train and
train alone. They may be new to the area, traveling or perhaps they just
hate mankind, but for whatever reason they will not make conversation
with other gym goers instead preferring to move around on their own.
They are usually harmless but still approach with caution initially.
Bendy girl
Most likely to be found: on the mats.
It's amazing the things she can do. Unnatural even. She may be from the
circus, or she may be an alien. Try not to stare too obviously.
The Regular
Most likely to be found: laughing with the staff
The regular might not be the biggest of the bunch but he's been coming
to this gym long enough to mix with the greatest. He's well liked by all
and knows the receptionists by name. His easy charm and charisma make
him an instant hit with anyone and it's hard not to feel special when
they shoot a smile your way.
The Alien
Most likely to be found: on whatever's free
Basically the new guy, or a foreigner. Someone who's clearly not
comfortable being in the gym. They will come and ask you if you're using
the bench press even though you're the other side of the room. Mess with
their head by saying 'I am using everything'.
Civilians
Most likely to be found: on resistance machines
Civilians are basically anyone who comes to the gym out of habit or
because their wife made them. They don't really want to be here but they
feel that society demands it of them. Their lack of enthusiasm leaks
from their pours
Thanks for reading:
Adam Sinicki
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About the Author:
Adam Sinicki is an amateur
bodybuilder, writer and a gentleman. With over 100 articles
published for magazines and websites he obviously has a lot of
spare time on his hands. When not writing Adam is either keeping
his blog, working out, eating sandwiches or updating his
successful website
http://www.adamsinicki.com |
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